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Dealing with Mental Health

*Trigger Warning* 

I would like to give you a heads up! This is going to be one emotional roller coaster of a ride. So, prepare yourself for what you are about to read. If you are easily triggered I suggest that you don’t read this or do at your own cost.

This is also going to be a long ass post so I appreciate if you read it all or even the first or last paragraph.

Kurt Cobain, Robin Williams and most recently Chester Bennington to name a few famous, inspirational idols have lost their battles with depression and I don’t want anyone else to lose. Whether they are famous or not. No one should have to suffer in silence.

I’ve been battling my demons since I was around 9 years of age, so for about 13 years. It started when I found out that my mum was going through depression because of me. I had started breaking my bones at the age of 6 and it just got worse; to the point where I would be in hospital for 12 weeks twice a year. I would break bones left, right and centre. This is when my mum developed depression. She had to become my full-time carer. Imagine your child having to suffer so much pain on a daily basis and you having to watch. Not fun.

So, once I found out mum was depressed I started blaming myself. No matter how many times she told me that it wasn’t my fault. I always felt as if it was and I still do; she is no longer depressed, thank God. I kept blaming myself for how crap my mum felt which lead to me self-harming. *Trigger warning* I started to cut my skin open on my wrists. Not to the extent that it would do a lot of damage but enough for me to feel the pain, draw blood, feel punished for what I’d had done to my mum. Because of me she had to quit her job, leave her friends, not have a social life. The thing was I was never afraid of going too far, it wasn’t my intention to but if I did I wouldn’t care. I had also discovered that I had major mood swings. Everyone around me assumed it was just teenage hormones and didn’t think of it as anything. Just another moody teenager.  

School didn’t help much either. I know I was hardly ever there because I was either at the hospital or stuck at home with a broken bone. But, the time I spent at school was the worst. After my bones got so bad that I ended up being wheelchair bound I had to change school. I got to year 1, then year 2 I had to do twice. After that I didn’t complete a full year of school until year 10. Thrown straight into GCSE’s. During the time that I did manage a day or two in middle school I got bullied. I have no idea why or what for but I got bullied about my weight (gained a lot due to lack of exercise and movement), the way I looked, and for being in a wheelchair. It hurt me to the point that I didn’t think I was worthy enough to live. It carried on to High School too.

I felt as if I was in a dark tunnel with no end. It just kept going; darkness.
Imagine having to wake up battling your demons, from the moment you wake up to the moment you close your eyes and let your brain switch off. It’s the worst feeling ever and I salute the people that are constantly fighting with their own mind.

It does get better, I promise but for now it’s still pretty bad.

During year 11 I had decided that I had enough. This was getting too much. I now had voices in my head telling me to do things I didn’t want to. Every time I asked them to give me a second of silence they just got louder. They never let me live in peace. I decided that it was time for these voices to leave me and there was only one way. I did try but was unsuccessful. I recovered and complete my GCSE exams; which I failed.

I was ready for a new start. To forget my past and move forward. I went to college to study BTEC Film and Television. All this time I had never told anyone I was suffering. I carried on the same in the first year of college. However, things changed during my second year. I met one of my best friends and she was the very first person I told about my self-harm and what I had done. At this point I was still self-harming; just so that I could feel pain, to make sure I could still feel because I constantly felt numb inside. She came with me to talk to my personal tutor about the things I felt and did and done. I was referred to the college counsellor. I thought it would help me, speaking about all of this, opening the lid to the bottle, but instead she just made me feel shit. She made me feel worse, useless. I stopped seeing her and carried on with the same thing. I again tried to get rid of my demons and once again was unsuccessful.

Fast forward two years and I got into university to do a course I thought was the safe option. Media Production (Radio). I complete the first year, having a few struggles but getting through. I made amazing friends that support and love me; the voices went quiet for a while. I proceeded onto second year and halfway through the first month I had a breakdown. I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt worthless; education has never been on my side and this time I couldn’t take it. I decided to drop out and I hated myself more than anything when I did. I instantly regret it because of what my family kept saying to me.

Because I don’t have any GCSE’s or anything else to work with, finding a job is difficult. Especially with my disability as well. It got to the point where everything was going down again. The voices were back and louder than ever before. There was only one way to stop them. I tried again; I thought that this time it would actually work. I was very sick for 3 days but my family thought it was a stomach bug and I didn’t say anything. I was unsuccessful again. During this time I hid from my family to the extent where I locked myself in the bathroom for over an hour to avoid a telephone call from a family member in another country. I have such bad social anxiety that I hardly leave my room let alone my house. Again, my family don’t understand it but I don’t expect them to as everyone else is confident and very social.

(I also suffer from major phone call and social anxiety).

It’s going to be a year in October since I dropped out of university. I’ve been applying to other universities as well as the previous one in hope that I can go back to studying. I haven’t been as successful as I was the first time but I am not going to give up until I get offered a place.

There are a lot of people out there suffering mental health issues. I still haven’t been able to tell my family about mine. They are very old fashioned and wouldn’t understand. I have tried to speak to them about it before but they’ve always brushed it off as me being moody or just weird. They don’t know about the self-harm or the attempted suicide. My friends. They know because they are the people I turn to when I am having a bad day. My way of dealing with every day demons is that I get creative. I draw, read, write, sing, write lyrics; anything to keep me from doing things I don’t want to do. From hurting myself. If I am not creating I end up thinking; thinking about things I shouldn’t think about; about what if’s. When that doesn’t work I message a friend and hope they can help me. A lot of them don’t understand what I go through and I don’t want to burden them so I keep quiet; however, even if they don’t understand they still support and want to help me. The ones that do understand let me know that I am worth it and that they will always be by my side no matter how hard I hit rock bottom. No matter how many times they tell me they love me and that I am an amazing person; some even called me an inspiration; I will never be able to believe them. I will always be worthless in my eyes.

I mostly turn to people like Dodie Clarke and Demi Lovato when I feel like it’s the end of the world. These two ladies speak out about their mental health that it’s like therapy to me. Them just speaking out about how they feel gives me a little bit of hope. Hope that things will get better.

I do still self-harm but not to the extent I used to. I do have visible scars on my wrist but most are covered up with tattoos. I hope that one day I stop and never look at a blade in the same way again. Sometimes I still feel like I’m stuck in that tunnel but I know that one day there will be an end to this tunnel. There will be a light at the end of it.

I know I’m a hypocrite when I say please get help; ask for help when you need it. But I’m going to say it anyway. I have the help of my friends and I know that I need professional help but it’s difficult when your family doesn’t understand. When you like in a society that shuns down on mental health issues. That doesn’t mean that I should be scared but I am. That’s just the way I am. I know that one day it will get to the point where I will have to get professional help whether I want it or not but for now I am okay.

I hope that this has somehow helped someone in one way or another.

All you need is FAITH, TRUST and a little PIXIE DUST – Peter Pan

All the love,
Divya x

 

Pete’s Dragon (2016)

I was flicking through the channels and I saw that The Lion King was about to start. As any other 22 year old I decided to watch the Disney classic. I watched the film with my mum and it had to come to an end sooner or later. When it did I didn’t bother to change the channel, nor did I check what was coming on next, all I knew that it was going to be another film as it was one the the Sky Movies channels.

Pete’s Dragon directed by David Lowery in 2016. It is an adaptation to the music of the same name written by Malcolm Marmorstein in 1977. The film is about a young boy called Pete, who is 5 years old and on a road trip with his parents. They are in a car accident and Pete’s parents die, however, Pete survives and is chased into the forest by wolves. He is rescued by a dragon with green fur, yellow eyes and great big wigs. Pete names the dragon Elliot after one of the characters in his favourite book.

Six years go by and Pete has adapted to living in the forest with Elliot, until he sees men cutting down the trees in his home. A girl called Natalie, of a similar age, sees Pete and runs after her; she climbs a tree and screams as she falls down it. Pete saves her but her scream attracts he dad’s attention. Pete tries to run away from them in hope to escape and get back to Elliot but get’s knocked out by Gavin; Jack’s, Natalie’s dad, brother, accidentally.  Pete wakes up in hospital and tries to escape to get back to Elliot but gets stopped and taken to Jack’s home along with Natalie and Jack’s girlfriend Grace. Grace promises to take him back to the forest the next day, as long as he spent the night with them.
While Pete is in hospital Gavin finds out about Elliot and has his eyes on the prize.

The next day Gavin and his men go back to the forest and look for Elliot to try and capture him.

The film is captivating and touches your heart. I loved watching the film from start to finish. I couldn’t move my eyes off the screen. Every second of it was interesting. There wasn’t a moment when I thought that I wanted to change the channel. I’m not very interested in such films but this one was different. The graphics and CGI was similar to Okja’s yet still very different.

My favourite part of the film was definitely the end as Pete got to live with a proper family and Elliot found more dragons to live with. Pete ends up getting adopted by Jack and Grace, and every so often they go and see Elliot and his friends. Even though Pete no longer lives in the forest with Elliot they are still an unbreakable duo, just like Mija and Okja.

I was a little teary at some part of the movie; especially when Pete and Elliot got separated. However, I liked the chemistry between the two characters. When Pete asked Elliot to stop what he was doing otherwise he would hurt others Elliot didn’t listen but then he realised how much those people meant to Pete so saved them.

I wasn’t the only one who enjoyed watching the film, my mum did too.

A fantasy comedy-drama adventure film that is a must see.

Okja (2017)

Okja is a film directed by Bong Joon-ho, released on Netflix on June 28, 2017. It is about a girl named Mija that lives in a countryside in South Korea along with her Grandfather and a super pig, Okja.

Okja was created by a firm called Mirando Corporation along with many other super pigs. They sent the pigs away for 10 years and then want them back to be made into meat. Mirando go and visit Okja and declare her the best super pig. Mija’s grandfather takes her to see her dead parents and presents Mija with a solid gold pig, explaining that he can’t buy Okja so bought her this pig instead. While this is happening Okja is being taken away by Mirando.
When Mija returns Okja has gone and she sets out to bring her back, even if that means having to travel to Seoul all by herself.

The film is in both Korean and English.

Steven Yeun, Glenn from The Walking Dead is one of the major names in the film along with Lily Collins and Tilda Swinton. The film is breathtaking and will leave you on the edge of your seats. It’s an emotional roller coaster of a ride; I definitely cried while watching it. As well as being emotional there is humour to the film as well.
The graphics and GCI are amazing, it almost feels as if Okja is real. At no point while watching the film did I think that it’s fake or that there can be improvements.

The part I disliked about the film the most was when Okja was sexually assaulted by another super pig. That was heartbreaking. Not only was that the bit I disliked but the fact that at the end of the film, Okja is saved by Mija and so is another baby super pig. Okja hides the baby in her mouth and Mija takes her back to South Korea. However, there are over a thousand other super pigs that got left behind to be slaughtered and made into food. That was when I thought why save one pig when the girl could have saved the rest. She gave the gold pig she had to save the life of Okja when she could have bought all the pigs, or st least negotiated and kept them all safe. I was a little upset about that part.

The fact that Mirando was creating super pigs and then killing them to make meat made me think about the meat that we eat and how that gets processed. I’m sure it’s nothing like in the film as they exaggerate in films. That does not mean that there aren’t places that do such works just to make money. It really does make you think how meat is actually made and whether the animals that we eat are actually tortured the way they were in Okja.

Overall the film is so good. I got recommended it by my cousin and I would recommend it to others. At first I thought I’d be a little afraid of watching it because of the whole super pig but it wasn’t scary at all.

This action-adventure is definitely worth a watch.

Being in a wheelchair

Having wheels doesn’t and shouldn’t define who you are. It really gets on my nerves when people try to make a joke about people with disabilities. I mean sometimes it can be funny but there is a point where it can get insulting too. Know your limits people.

For example:
“Oh, I got a date tonight.”
“With who? Stephen Hawking?”

I’m sorry but was that meant to be funny? Another one that we often get is “Oh, is your boyfriend/girlfriend in a wheelchair as well?” Now why on earth do you think that people in wheelchairs can only date each other? Are we not allowed to date an able bodied person? It really grinds my gears (pardon the pun). We are not inbred, we are humans, we have feelings just as much as any other person. It’s almost as if we’re not allowed to speak or interact with anyone that’s not in a wheelchair. Living with a disability is one of the most difficult thing to do. It’s not like a broken bone that will get fixed in a couple of weeks and will be forgotten about. It’s waking up knowing that you will constantly need assistance, going to sleep knowing the next day will be the same. You are dependent on someone 24/7. There are a lot of people who live with disabilities that don’t need assistance and live independently. Those people I salute. However, there are people who need care all the time, they are unable to do anything for themselves.

Over the years, personally, I’ve got used to the staring. I know that people are just curious as to why I have wheels. To be honest, I don’t necessarily stare but I glance at other people in wheelchairs too. I am curious as to why they are in a wheelchair. It’s human nature to be curious when you see something that’s ‘abnormal’. Not that being in a wheelchair should be in this day and age. Another thing that annoys me is when people assume that you were in an accident. “Oh what happened to you?” I just sit and stare at them with a blank face. What? Now I’m not allowed to have had this condition since birth? Is that banned now too? There are a lot of people who are born with disabilities. Not everything is caused by an accident. Mine? Mine was after I was 6 years old. No body actually knows why my bones break. The doctors have diagnosed me with Osteogenesis Imperfecta (Brittle Bones) but they have no clue which stage it is. They did tests on both my parents and they aren’t even carriers that they could have passed the gene down to me. They’ve done multiple tests on me and it always show that my bones are normal. It’s a mystery.

There is nothing wrong with being in a wheelchair but what is wrong is when people look at you and say “can I have a go on there?” Do you want us to stand up and wait for you to have a go on our chairs and return it? What kind of stupidity is this? There are a lot of people who have asked me and since I am able to stand and walk assisted by crutches I let people have a go. That doesn’t mean that it’s okay to ask to have a go on someone’s wheelchair. It’s stupid. That’s like us asking an able bodies person if we can try their legs. Being in a wheelchair wasn’t a choice. We didn’t choose the wheel life, the wheel life chose us. There is never a day where I hate or pity myself for being in a wheelchair. I am in a chair because I was meant to be, it wasn’t like I chose to be.

There are a lot of people out there who are very narrow minded; thinking that when we voice out our opinions regarding what we find offensive or not, we are the boring closed -minded people. Like I mentioned previously, there are jokes and then there is offence. One of my good friends, who is also in a wheelchair, voiced out his opinion on a FaceBook post and got a lot of hate for it. He has every right to have his own opinion. It’s almost as if we can’t even speak out about what we think is offensive or not. We just have to sit silently in the corner and just take everything that is thrown at us. We have mouths, we have voices, we have opinions and by all means are allowed to share them as well. Speaking about sitting silently in the corner, I hate when people assume that we can’t speak. We may be in a wheelchair but that doesn’t mean we don’t understand what you’re saying and respond back. I admit there are disabilities that stop people from speaking but that doesn’t give anyone the right not to talk directly to us. Not everyone we hang out with is our carer. Believe it or not, we actually have friends who are able bodied. We have friends in wheelchairs too. We have friends in all shapes, sizes, genders, races, sexualities. We are not the narrow minded people.

I am not trying to look for sympathy here. What I am looking for is for people to treat us as if the chair were invisible. Treat us like a human.

We didn’t choose the wheel life, the wheel life chose us. 

All the love x

 

 

 

“Haters Back Off.” Netflix Series Review

This is the excerpt for your very first post.

Disclaimer *Contains spoilers*

I decided that it was time I watched ‘Haters Back Off.’ It’s a Netflix original series created by Colleen Ballinger, a lot of you may know her as Miranda Sings, and her brother Chris Ballinger. As for now there is only one season which consists of eight 30 minute long episodes.

Haters Back Off is about Miranda Sings wanting to be a YouTube star. Only, she has no talent and is overconfident. Her uncle tries to help her with her channel, in getting views and fans. She gets hate from the few views and she is very rude. Until, her uncle posts a video of her that she doesn’t want posted. He does it behind her back and when she finds out she see’s the amount of views it receives. This is where the first season ends.

It looks to me like Colleen wanted to show her fans a side to how Miranda became famous. A character whom is now a famous YouTuber, created by Colleen. On the Miranda Sings channel on YouTube the first video is the ‘Free Voice Lesson’ in which Miranda teaches us how to sing.

Before I started watching it I had some expectations. I was expecting it to be funny and entertaining. It turned out to be the exact opposite. What’s odd is that I actually watch Miranda Sings’ videos on YouTube but found this show to be a little, dare I say, boring. There wasn’t anything funny in the show and I kind of thought it was stupid humour half the time and not even the good kind. The storyline itself wasn’t entertaining either. I kind of felt as if the story was going too slow and a lot of the characters irritated me. Now, I know it’s a comedy show but the way the mother pretends to have a condition at the beginning is stupid. There are a lot of people who do have disabilities and can’t do anything about them. The character that plays Miranda’s mother fakes an injury and it’s a little offensive. Another character I find a little creepy is the Uncle. He kind of looks and sounds like a pervert at times, like I said I am aware the show is a comedy, but it feels weird. I’m sure that this show is targeted towards the younger viewers and it’s a little odd but then again, that’s just my opinion. Overall, I was genuinely hoping to laugh out loud but instead I was cringing.

I’m not saying that I hate Miranda or Colleen or anyone. I was just expecting…more I guess. There is a lot that Colleen, as the producer, could have put into the show to make it funnier or more entertaining. Her Miranda videos make me laugh and this seemed to make me want to go into hiding. I may be completely wrong, there may be a lot of you out there that think it’s hilarious. This is just my own honest opinion on the show. The first season ends on a cliffhanger, which made me actually want to know what happens next. I feel that if there is a second season that it may be a little more entertaining. Purely because Miranda’s career will finally kick off. The first season was just about how she would rise to fame and how she could get noticed. Now that her video is up and she’s getting all these views and comments the style of the show and the pace could change.

Hopefully, the second season is more appealing to me and entertaining as well. For now I shall let it be.

Let me know your opinions on the show if you’ve watched it and what other reviews you’d like to read. Whether they’re books, T.V shows, music, movies and I’ll try my best to review it.

All the love x